Lost and found
I’m not sure that writing these thoughts are for anyone else but me and my closure of things lost.
June 18th was Fathers day… June 16th, I learned that my father passed away of heart failure on May 15th, nine days after my 36th birthday.
I cannot explain the emotion I feel, but I do feel it. I never knew my father so why this overwhelming sorrow? I think it’s my desire of sonship.
When I was old enough to know, I realized the only thing you ever gave me was a card that read, “You’re 1, have fun Son.”
I remember going to your house one night with my older cousin Debbie. I was only a kid and you never saw me… But, I saw you through the front window… Well, at least the back of you. We ran back to the car like we had broken some law. I didn’t understand why we didn’t knock so I could meet you. Apparently you weren’t dressed for the occasion.
I know my mother sent you school pictures each year, but they were pictures worth only a thousand words. My life is a story.
When we moved to Washington my 13th year, I lost track of where you were, until the State of Washington found you and made you pay for some of my medical bills. I can’t imaging what you thought when blood test did reveal that you were my father. Several years passed quickly and at my 20th birthday, I cried in closet because you never knew me as a child.
As my life story continued, I married and had a child of my own. Then, the call from my mother that said she had found you once again… I have to say, I was not ready for that. It was my time to be everything right, I knew about fathers, to my child… It was not time for me to be a son.
Yet, I really thought you might contact me. I said, I didn’t care… I lied. As a matter of fact, I hear a lot of people say they don’t care and they’re liars. I did care.
At the age of 25, for the first time, I saw a picture of your face and with it came 1000 words. But, it wasn’t your story.
I thought one day I might be man enough to come meet you face to face. I told people I knew where you were and that our paths might cross someday… I realize that day will never come. I’m sorry.
Friday, June 16th, I cried once more. The call from my mother that said your heart failed and you were gone. I have to say, I wasn’t ready for that. I’m sorry you died alone and that there was no service to honor you. It doesn’t seem right. None of it ever did. But most of all, I’m sorry you never saw me as a man.
These words seem to come days to late… But as a son to a father I wish I was more bold to speak these words.
Tough, you think you’ve got the stuff
You’re telling me and anyone
You’re hard enough
You don’t have to put up a fight
You don’t have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches
For you tonight
Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don’t have to go it alone
And it’s you when I look in the mirror
And it’s you when I don’t pick up the phone
Sometimes you can’t make it on your own
We fight all the time
You and I…that’s alright
We’re the same soul
I don’t need…I don’t need to hear you say
That if we weren’t so alike
You’d like me a whole lot more
Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don’t have to go it alone
And it’s you when I look in the mirror
And it’s you when I don’t pick up the phone
Sometimes you can’t make it on your own
I know that we don’t talk
I’m sick of it all
Can – you – hear – me – when – I -
Sing, you’re the reason I sing
You’re the reason why the opera is in me…
Where are we now?
I’ve got to let you know
A house still doesn’t make a home
Don’t leave me here alone…
And it’s you when I look in the mirror
And it’s you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can’t make it on your own
Sometimes you can’t make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can’t make it on your own
- Bono, U2
“Sometimes You Can’t Make It On Your Own”
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